Since I started becoming more vocal about my life coaching practice as well as my niche, I’ve heard from  a few people who have similar stories. None stuck me more, though, than the email I got from fellow life coach Kristen Beireis. While Kristen is a life coach who works with other life coaches, she and I seemed to have lead the same life once upon a time:

I wanna grow up & be an actress? Check.

NYC will be where it’ll all happen? Check.

I’m sick of pounding the pavement & I want something else for myself? Check.

I don’t want to be stuck in some cubicle for the rest of my life, but instead I want to find something (else) I can be passionate about? Check.

While Kristen decided to move back home after coming to those above-mentioned realizations & I stayed in NYC, the end result is the same. We stopped pounding (our head on) the pavement, discovered life coaching, and are keeping the acting “thing” in our life out of love & passion - not necessity. Kristen performed this weekend for the first time in 3 years (Congrats Kristen!).

With the emails we exchanged, I relived that heartache that I went through while letting go of my lifelong dream. I told Kristen that I felt we were “kindred spirits”, a term that’s so hippy-dippy I cringed in using it, but couldn’t find another accurate phrase to verbalize how I felt. It reignited why I’m here, at When I Grow Up, looking to work with creative types that are going through that same sense of loss, and heartbreak, and grief as both Kristen & I did.

To go down a creative path, and try to make it both soul-fulfilling and financially successful, takes heart, and effort, blood, sweat, and tears. Getting into a top school, like I did, makes you think you got The Golden Ticket. The acceptance letter came from NYU - early acceptance, in December - and it was reassurance and confirmation. “Yes, you are good enough. Yes, this will be your life. Yes, you belong here. Yes, this will happen for you.”

And then it’s doesn’t. OK, maybe it does to a point. You get great reviews, you land a manager, you get a callback for an under-5 on Law & Order….and then you hear “You’re so unique, you’re so different from anyone else we’ve seen - and we don’t know what to do with you” or “You’re such an incredible character actress. You’ll be working all the time when you hit 40!” And the jobs that roll in are ones far, far away (and for far, far less than a livable wage) from the life you created for yourself - the city you love, the friends you love, the family you love. And, eventually, the man you love. And you don’t want to leave. And you don’t want to audition. And you want some security in your old age, and not to have to wipe out your savings (should you have any) to see a doctor every time you have a cold.

You take this truth and carry it around with you for many, many months - because how can you speak it aloud? How can you admit it to yourself? How can you willingly lose that part of your identity? How can you take that dream that’s been yours for 20 years and say, “No thank you. You’re not needed here. This is your eviction notice.” What else would you do with yourself, for the rest of your life, that would wake you up in the morning with a reason to get out of bed before the sun rises (like an audition can, because if you arrive too late you may not be seen)? And where will that BFA in musical theater get you now?

So you take that with you until it becomes too much to bear. Until you stop going to the auditions and stop updating your website and stop sending out your quarterly mailings and until you….stop. And finally tell your reflection in the mirror, after taking a deep breath: “I’m done.” You might pause for a bit and add, “For now.” Or not. And then you tell others, all the while thinking of what your mother told you years ago when getting a gig was especially hard, “You don’t have to do this. Nobody will be disappointed in you.”

With all your resolve and all of your hope, you enroll in a career change workshop and will Your Perfect Career to fall from the sky and bonk you on the head. And while that doesn’t happen in a literal sense, it does in a figurative one, and the clouds part and the birds sing and you stop grieving for just a moment.

For me, that choir sang “Life Coach.” For you, it might sing, “Voice Teacher” or “Real Estate Agent” or “Bar Owner.” And you’ll keep a little bit of your life still open for your passion - your performing, or your drawing, or your writing - but this time you’ll do it on your own terms, solely for the love of it. Not for the reviews, or the connections the Director has, or to give a postcard to the agents you meet. You do it purely because you want to, because it makes you happy.

I wish I could help make all of you happy, and give you the life you want and deserve on your own terms. A life that’s OK to have, even if it’s not the life you thought you’d lead. Everyone deserves that chance.

Stay tuned next week for the post on Clearing Out the Attic (if the Attic = my brain) aka I-Got-Punched-In-The-Face-But-It-Got-Rid-Of-My-Anxiety-Because-It-Made-Me-See-Some-Crap-I-Didn’t-Wanna-See. Until then, here are some freakin’ great links:

• Looking to find something to be passionate about? Or maybe you’re looking for a new passion? Scott H Young offers How to Discover What You’re Passionate About (summary: do a bit of everything and see what fits!).
• Dumb Little Man offers 7 Steps to Zap Your Creativity. And he means “zap” like “boost” not like “shoot-you-with-a-taser-and-make-you-comatose.”
• My favorite post of the week came from Pick the Brain. As someone who has trouble sticking with goals that make me wait to see results (401K anyone?), Setting Goals for the Present, Not the Future helps you put your goal into the present tense. So instead of saying, “Eh, I can save money next year for retirement. I’m not going to see it for 35 years anyway!” I can say, “I better put money away now so I don’t have to work the rest of my life!” The latter seems scarier for some reason.
• And of course, the lovely Kelly Rae Roberts has to keep writing beautiful entries (I can’t describe them as posts, since I almost feel like I’m reading her diary). Buon Giorno shares her experience in Italy & also asks for assistance with moving to Seattle (anyone?)!

Here are just some personal things I’m loving that have nothing to do with coaching or personal development or creativity or any of that junk, but just make me happy:

• Wally Lamb has a new book! I loved She’s Come Undone but I loved I Know This Much Is True more.  Read the first chapter of The Hour I First Believed.
• Um, this is a real person’s backyard. For real. I miss you, Hawaii.
• Keith Olbermann’s Special Comment regarding Prop 8 is eloquent and heartfelt, no matter your views.
• The Bloggess always makes me laugh. This post was my fave so far.
• This might be my favorite aerial shot of NYC. Bright lights and crookedness. It’s what New York is about.

I’ve decided to do some weekly series on When I Grow Up: The Blog. Starting right now and being featured each Friday until the end of time, I’ll give you Freakin’ (Great Links) Friday. I’m still working on the name, but I love alliteration & couldn’t find anything better than “freakin’” to go with Friday.

Normally I’ll give you all the great links that I came across that week, but I’m digging a little deeper this time since it’s the first installment. Freakin’ Great Links, Batman!

• Check out Small Notebook on The Difficulty of Doing Less
• Kelly Rae Roberts, who I featured here, talks about Soul Week. Love this idea so much I’m going to look into when I can do it for myself (although it might have to be an abbreviated version as I have almost no vacation days yet!). And if I can’t love Kelly Rae any more, she talks about ditching the money & following the dream - a great big fat dose of questioning/inspiration to both myself and my clients.
  
• As someone with a lot - a lot! - of financial goals and not much knowledge, I also read some finance blogs to get some insight from “real” people who won’t talk over my head. Sometimes, though, these blogs ain’t got nothing to do with finance and talk about something like 100 Goals in 1001 Days, which I’ve also put on my To Do List. The Simple Dollar also posted just a while ago on choice: how it plays into your decisioning & what the consequences are. I’m definitely going to put it to use the next time I need to be a decider.
• Get Rich Slowly, another finance blog I enjoy reading, had a guest post on not only how to turn your passion into a career, but if you should!
• According to Carrie & Danielle, life balance is a myth - it’s all about proportion.

Happy reading - and Happy Halloween!

Squidoo’s Lens of the Day introduced me to Your Life Sentence: 6-Word Memoirs or Quotations. It’s really an amazing way to write your autobiography - and have people want to read it!

Here are some of my faves:

“Revenge is living well, without you.” -Joyce Carol Oates

“Wasn’t born a redhead: fixed that.” -Anonymous

“29 Years Old, Still Playing Lego.” -Summer T

The ones that come from Mrs. Nixon’s Third Graders are also hilarious/awesome/super wise beyond their years:

“Nine years stacked within my soul.” -Laura

“Loud sometimes and quiet at others” -Sarah

“Life is better in soft pajamas.” -Emily

“A kid’s life is my life.” -Kion

“When two lives meet, another begins.” -Andrew

“I tried, I tried, I succeeded.” -Megan

“If life goes bad make it right.” -Megan

I’ve been trying to think of mine, but making it into 6 words is tougher than it looks! Of course, with my wedding 9 days away I want to steal Andrew’s quote: “When two lives meet, another begins.” Dreamy.

But I’d probably be closer to:

“I’m always reaching for the stars.”

“Passion, love and friendship over all.”

“Always following my ever changing bliss.”

I think I might have to pick up the book.

I admit it - I signed up for the contest to win Kelly Rae’s book, and signed up to receive additional comments when they come in (you win by commenting about what your dream job is). It’s only been 10 minutes, but 31 comments have come in on top of the 113 that were there when I got there! While this diminishes my chances of winning the book, I win in inspiration.

That last sentence was pretty lame, but you know what I mean.

When you have a few minutes, head on over to Decor8’s post and scroll down to the comments. Start reading. I guarantee you that within a few scrolls you’ll start to get excited. Excited from others who are committed to finding - or maintaining - a new career that they’re passionate about, even if it’s “outside the box” (nobody whose comment I read wanted to sit behind a desk all day! They want freedom, and creative license, and art, and the chance to make a difference! Revolution!). And who knows - if you’re trying to discover what clicks for you, you might find some great ideas from others that are giving it a whirl!

The first thing I ask a new client - even before we have our first session - is to determine their Top 5 Values. I send them straightaway to The Values Game, which is an amazing tool that helps you not only decipher what your values are, but offers an “easy” way to whittle them down (if it’s easy to figure out what’s more important - health or friendship). It offers many value suggestions (ie “personal development”, “family happiness”, “wisdom”, “affection”) but also lets you plug in your own. As equally important is that you’re able to include your own definition of what your value means to you. Ain’t nobody gonna tell you what “loyalty” means to you! Only you gonna tell you what loyalty means to you!

Yeah.

It’s been about a year since I’ve done this exercise, and I wanted to try it again and see - now that I’m an almost-married lady - if it’s consistent. On 9/1/07, my most important value was:

FAMILY HAPPINESS: ensuring that those I love (whether I’m related to them by blood, by marriage or by friendship) are healthy and happy, living the life that they want to live.

The other four included:

HEALTH: taking care of myself to ensure that I’m around for a long, long time

FRIENDSHIP (a close relationship with others): a mutual relationship that benefits all parties involved, that gives everyone a sense of support, comraderie, and a form of love

PLEASURE (fun, laughs, a leisurely lifestyle): to provide laughter and fun to those around me, and to receive it in return; to only chase after that which inspires and excites me

INTEGRITY (honesty, sincerity, standing up for oneself): never allowing myself to be taken advantage of; being upfront with those around me if I feel that my values and/or relationships are being compromised

I’m amazed at this list right now. I created it after my first session with my coach, and a lot of my values were very me-centric. I have to provide the laughs and fun. I had to make sure that those I love were healthy and happy - I was the one responsible. Obviously, these values took place before I put myself first.

As of 8/13/08, my most important value is:

RELATIONSHIPS: being there for those I love (whether we’re bound by blood, marriage or friendship) and allowing them to be there for me; taking the time and effort to create a strong bond with those same people and ensuring that it remains that way.

The other four included:

PASSION: discovering what thrills me, what makes my heart sing, what I NEED to do - and keeping it in my life always

HEALTH: taking precautions to ensure that I’m around for a long, long time; using diet and exercise as a means to ward off disease

ECONOMIC SECURITY: knowing that my family is provided for should we fall on hard times; having Luke & I follow our passions without worrying about how much money it will bring in; providing for our future children so they can live the life they want to live

PLEASURE (fun, laughs, a leisurely lifestyle): doing what makes me happy, and ensuring there are lots of laughs along the way

The next step for me is to print out these values and put them in my Moleskine notebook, so I can see them every day. The next time I need to make a decision I’ll turn to that page and say: “What’s the right decision based on my values?” I have a strong feeling that if I let myself be guided by them I can never go wrong.

Or not really wrong, at least. Only kinda, sorta wrong. And it can get a lot worse than kinda, sorta wrong.