The first thing I ask a new client - even before we have our first session - is to determine their Top 5 Values. I send them straightaway to The Values Game, which is an amazing tool that helps you not only decipher what your values are, but offers an “easy” way to whittle them down (if it’s easy to figure out what’s more important - health or friendship). It offers many value suggestions (ie “personal development”, “family happiness”, “wisdom”, “affection”) but also lets you plug in your own. As equally important is that you’re able to include your own definition of what your value means to you. Ain’t nobody gonna tell you what “loyalty” means to you! Only you gonna tell you what loyalty means to you!
Yeah.
It’s been about a year since I’ve done this exercise, and I wanted to try it again and see - now that I’m an almost-married lady - if it’s consistent. On 9/1/07, my most important value was:
FAMILY HAPPINESS: ensuring that those I love (whether I’m related to them by blood, by marriage or by friendship) are healthy and happy, living the life that they want to live.
The other four included:
HEALTH: taking care of myself to ensure that I’m around for a long, long time
FRIENDSHIP (a close relationship with others): a mutual relationship that benefits all parties involved, that gives everyone a sense of support, comraderie, and a form of love
PLEASURE (fun, laughs, a leisurely lifestyle): to provide laughter and fun to those around me, and to receive it in return; to only chase after that which inspires and excites me
INTEGRITY (honesty, sincerity, standing up for oneself): never allowing myself to be taken advantage of; being upfront with those around me if I feel that my values and/or relationships are being compromised
I’m amazed at this list right now. I created it after my first session with my coach, and a lot of my values were very me-centric. I have to provide the laughs and fun. I had to make sure that those I love were healthy and happy - I was the one responsible. Obviously, these values took place before I put myself first.
As of 8/13/08, my most important value is:
RELATIONSHIPS: being there for those I love (whether we’re bound by blood, marriage or friendship) and allowing them to be there for me; taking the time and effort to create a strong bond with those same people and ensuring that it remains that way.
The other four included:
PASSION: discovering what thrills me, what makes my heart sing, what I NEED to do - and keeping it in my life always
HEALTH: taking precautions to ensure that I’m around for a long, long time; using diet and exercise as a means to ward off disease
ECONOMIC SECURITY: knowing that my family is provided for should we fall on hard times; having Luke & I follow our passions without worrying about how much money it will bring in; providing for our future children so they can live the life they want to live
PLEASURE (fun, laughs, a leisurely lifestyle): doing what makes me happy, and ensuring there are lots of laughs along the way
The next step for me is to print out these values and put them in my Moleskine notebook, so I can see them every day. The next time I need to make a decision I’ll turn to that page and say: “What’s the right decision based on my values?” I have a strong feeling that if I let myself be guided by them I can never go wrong.
Or not really wrong, at least. Only kinda, sorta wrong. And it can get a lot worse than kinda, sorta wrong.
