…And I (find a new way to) say “no no no”
Back in August, I wrote about how I learned to put myself first and say “no” (or sing “No, no, no” while shaking my hips and pointing my finger a la Amy Winehouse. But without the crack and the skeletal figure).
Yesterday I had a new Saying No Breakthrough when I volunteered to be a client in my Life Coaching Practicum class. When I heard that the coach had her niche in “busy women who have a hard time saying ‘no’”, I raised my hand to be the client. I mean, this is The Story of my Life! Even though I have grown leaps and bounds from where I started – saying “yes” and lying my way out of it later – I’m not at the finish line quite yet.
This 40-min session clarified for me that it’s not the boundaries I have with others that gets broken – it’s the boundaries I have with myself! True, I haven’t played the sick card to get out of a commitment in a long time, but I haven’t established yet the time I need to be with others (let’s call a duck a duck – being social recharges my batteries and is a great use of my time) & the time I need to have “me” time (whether it’s me with my hubby, or me with my coaching homework, or me with a bubble bath, or me with dirty laundry – you get my drift).
So I established that what would be ideal for me would be 2 weekday evening social dates and 2 weekend social dates. Anything more than that and my dance card is full, and I have to look at the following week. Does anyone still use that term, “dance card”? When it was used back in the old timey days, didn’t it have to do with seeing a dance hall “hostess” and paying them to dance with you? And if so, why would it be a good thing to have a full dance card? That means you’ve given most of your money to hookers! Or would the “hostesses” be the ones to say to the Johns “Sorry, but my dance card is full”? I gotta look this up. Sweet Charity has taught me nothing despite the fact that I did the show twice!
So where was I? Ah yes, boundaries. Applying boundaries to myself! Nobody is coming up and putting a gun to my head and saying “You must have dinner with me on Tuesday night!” So, I need to enforce the boundaries I set, which will be tough. But I didn’t get these guns at the gun show! By guns, I’m referring to my biceps. They are large, which makes me tough. See where I’m going here?
So yes, BESIDES realizing/setting/enforcing my boundaries, I found another way to say “no”. I’ve been toting the response I found with Joanne (”I have a personal matter to attend to”) around as ammunition, but recently realized I never used it! And then I double realized it was because it wasn’t the right response for me, the big loudmouth whose Native American name should be called Open Book. I see now that the right response is one that speaks the truth, albeit the sugar-coated version of the truth. Check it:
Before: “I am so sorry that I can’t accept your invite for Thurs – I have class. But what about 2 weeks from Wednesday (even though I’ll try/want to get out of it, or drag myself to go, mainly because I have minimal interest in you as a friend)?”
After: “I am so sorry that I can’t accept your invite for Thurs – I’m crazed with graduating from school in June. But I’ll reach out as soon as I come up for air.” And then I reach out on my terms! Crazy, I know! But so exciting! And I can walk away without that Jewish guilt that I’ve been raised with following me around.
PS There is not only a company that explains the history of the dance card but also uses dance cards as a matchmaking event! For some reason in my head only vampires go there. They also must be the only ones going to the dance card museum. I can’t make this stuff up.
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