Lost: 1 Sense of Trust
Breathe in inspiration & trust yourself by tea for thoughts
I’ve been practicing what I preach, & what I know, & the life lessons that have presented themselves to me in the 32 years, 4 months & 2 days I’ve been on this planet.
I’ve been super nice to myself.
I’ve been taking in all the niceness that others are giving me (& man, have I been getting bunches of niceness lately).
I’m acknowledging & celebrating my wins & all the stuff that’s going “right” in my life.
I’m only involved in projects I really, truly want to be involved in, that feel good & exciting & fun.
I’ve chucked most of/all the “shoulds”.
I’ve surrounded myself with the most awesome tribe a girl can ever have.
What does this add up to? A sense of purpose, & graciousness, & a full 1,000% belief that everything I’ve gone through in the last 32 years, 4 months & 2 days has brought me here – to this place that I belong, that I’m welcomed, that I need to be.
And yet I’ve lost my sense of trust.
The trust that I have the space I need to take the next step – the one that’s right & good for my business & my self.
The trust that there are no right & wrong answers.
The trust that it’s, well, easy to trust.
The trust that it will all come together.
The trust that it won’t be taken away.
The trust that the Universe will provide me with what I need.
The trust that time is abundant.
Part of me is so confused. How can I be so sure of what I know & what I’ve learned & what I’ve been practicing, so comforted & positive & fulfilled, while part of me is so fearful & unsure & rushed? Why does it feel so complicated when it “should” be so simple?
This is where I rest on the lesson that the most fulfilling things in my life have been the ones that have had their fair amount of fear mixed in with the excitement. That if I take one (baby!) step every day, that I’m moving forward. That freakin’ A, the Universe is totally providing for me, even though it’s not in a way that I can yet measure. But wait – I can. I can write down all the ways that the Universe has been providing for me. And I can look at all those things & smile & say, “Well, I trust that I’m doing something right. I truest that people are getting up what I’m putting down. I trust that this will be my bread & butter. I trust that I’m super in it to win it.” And other such cliches that accurately represent what I’m going through.
I can talk to you nonstop for an hour about all of the wonderfuness that has come my way this past month since I’ve been a full-time creative career coach, & yet it’s not enough to allow me to breathe, to rest, to be comforted. But from here on out, I’m going on an adventure: one part movement, one part trust, one part rest, one part celebration. I’ll mix it in slowly, gently, almost secretly – but I know that it’s there. I can actually see it. Trust is a welcoming ray of sunshine, a singing bird, a sunset, a sweetness with arms open wide & smiles bright & big.
I’m just going to keep walking towards it. Baby steps. Easy does it. I’ll walk slowly, surely, carefully, until it embraces me & I feel it breathe when I do.
I’ll trust that it’s OK that I don’t feel that now. Yet. I’ll get there.
Tags: Michelle's Memoirs
April 16th, 2010 at 3:05 am
You WILL get there! I think it's entirely normal that trusting in this stuff doesn't come easily. We have fear knocked into us from every angle — the news, our family, society, past bosses, sometimes even our most well-meaning friends. Until you can trust it, remember that there are people around you who already trust it for ya' 100 percent. And you can count me among them. You're such a creative coach star.
April 16th, 2010 at 3:08 am
Love this post. Trusting is so hard. I think of my son and how those first few steps were so tentative, him looking around to make sure he had something to grab on to; unsure if his two little wobbly legs would support him. It only took a few months before he began to just run; it happened so quickly.
So take your time, take baby steps. Because I'm quite certain that soon you'll be running into those arms or trust.
April 16th, 2010 at 5:04 am
Michelle, this is such a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this — I'm sure that most readers of your blog can relate! One thing that I found when I left my "responsible career-type job" was that I was so busy celebrating being free that I didn't really give myself a chance to realize what a change I was making. I only realized it once I was in the freedom, "Whoa. This is big. OK. Deep breath." And that took some time to be okay with.
But, trust this: you are an amazing coach who has and will continue to make a real and superb difference in people's lives! That is certain.
April 16th, 2010 at 5:07 am
@Kylie – "Until you can trust it, remember that there are people around you who already trust it for ya’ 100 percent. And you can count me among them." I can't tell you how much this means to me, because it really clicked & just makes sense. And probably, when I look at it deep down, nobody is able to 100% trust themselves! I bet ya even Oprah doesn't. But it's how you deal with those Vampires that matter, & letting them not get the best of you. I think I need to take this whole goddamn thing less seriously & make trust easy & yes, even fun. Thanks for opening my eyes to that.
@Alisha – Whadda great analogy! I have to remember that I'm still in the looking around & grabbing onto things stage. Heck, I haven't even been a full-time entrepreneur for a month now! What am I expecting to run for? I'll just keep putting one wobbly leg in front of the other. I'll get there. I know it. We all learn to walk ("learn" being the operative word)!
April 17th, 2010 at 5:02 am
I think falling in and out of trust is completely normal. The important thing is what you are already doing: accepting the place where you are, and trusting that you'll step into a different space when you're ready. And in the meantime, continuing to walk forward one step at a time. You'll get there
April 19th, 2010 at 9:33 am
@Thekla – Amen! It's interesting because it really is about the journey, & during the ride here it was all lots of Ups & Excitements & Awesomeness (breaking free of Corporate America can do that to ya!), so when I started feeling The Dip or being a bit Blah or Heavy, it was such oddness compared to what I was used to feeling that I think it hit me harder than usual. I'm absolutely learning to keep trusting (because I do! I do trust this!) & enjoying what happens from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. It's an adventure!
April 19th, 2010 at 9:35 am
@Tiffany – Yes, yes, you hit on it exactly! Believe me, I didn't think the being an entrepreneur/woman of the world (that's what I keep calling myself, for some reason) would be a bed of nonstop roses, but yes, I didn't acknowledge all the pieces of the change. It's a learning process, & I'm so OK with that. Thank you for your genius & your kind words!