And we’ve only just begun by Chris Piascik

This is another scary post for me, guys. Like Dear Future Me, this was a word doc that I wrote for myself, to tuck away for me as a journal entry while my journals are still packed in a box.  But as I finished, I realized that this could serve as the more authentic posts I’ve been yearning to put here that could possibly bring some of you comfort or inspiration or comraderie or strength. And if there’s a chance I can offer that to you, what kind of selfish twit would I be to keep that to myself? And when you get to the end of the post, I think you’ll see why I felt that I had to post this, in keeping with the intention of putting myself Out There. Enjoy my diary entry (gulp)!

It’s my Me Time now. I haven’t taken an official, scheduled Me Time in probably, oh….too long. I can’t remember the last time it’s been on my calendar. There’s been unofficial Me Time here & there – time for a bath, or reading the paper, or somesuch Me Thing – but nothing that’s been a gift: Here’s 90 minutes. It’s for you.

So here I sit, sideways in the big red patterned chair so I can look right out my window onto the NYC skyline: a green & white Empire State Building, a gold twinkly bridge, the Chrysler Building that shines, well, like the top of the Chrysler Building. I saw a Broadway & Musicals station on Pandora when I was browsing, & I clicked on it. I don’t remember the last time I listened to show tunes when I wasn’t a passenger in my mother’s car. Bernadette Peters is singing “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” & I’m on the verge of tears.

You can do it
All you need it a hand
We can do it
Mama is gonna see to it!

I sit. I close my eyes. I breathe. And then I cry. And I allow it. I like the tears on my face, because they tangibly represent everything I feel right now: excitement, joy, fear, relief, home (in a literal & figurative sense), happiness, an ending, a beginning.

I’ve had the most incredible week. From meeting a former client in person for the first time (and eating Greek, & gabbing so much that half the meal was left over by the time we had to go, & hearing of her recent challenges & successes, & getting a token of our visit in the form of a blue button headband that she made) to being recommended by Danielle LaPorte (so many fires she’s started in me!) on her blog as “a high energy Gen Y’r focused on getting people to their best career” (& getting a whole slew of consultation calls booked on my new fancy schmancy online scheduler because of it!) to the Newsweek video that I might be as proud of as I was about getting in to NYU (& that’s pretty damn proud!)..well….I don’t know what to do with this gratitude & peacefulness & excitement. I’m so used to reaching & doing & wanting, & here…I feel like I’m home. I feel like this is the place I’ve spent 32 years getting to – every life decision I made (good or bad) & every decision that was made for me (good or bad) has landed me here – in a place where I’m blessed (I never use that word, “blessed”! But that’s how I feel!) & supported & loved & accepted for quirky, weird me: the girl who talks too loud (really – the girl in the next cube moved her desk to get away from my projecting voice) & dresses too bright, who respects herself & is always asking for more, the girl who has allowed herself to be vulnerable & has had her heart broken in more than one way more than one time & picked herself off & dusted herself off & said, “Let’s see what’s around this corner…”

And now I’m sobbing. But that’s OK. “Nowadays” from Chicago is playing:

It’s good, isn’t it?
Grand, isn’t it?
Swell, isn’t it?
Fun, isn’t it?
Nowadays!

I want to remember this week, these moments, and savor them – trust them, and not compare them to similar moments in my past career that were high highs but didn’t pan out, like the Law & Order: CSI producer saying, “Don’t worry, if we don’t have a part for you in this episode, there’s a whole season left.” I felt this way then, but that moment is tinged with sadness since they never did call me back in. And one high happened followed by a low, and rinse & repeat until I had to move on. It was too much to bear.

This trust I’m feeling now, though, feels urgent, & I think what I read in Jess LC’s interview on The Good Life for Less says it better than I can, & I didn’t know it until I read it: “I was having anxiety attacks about my business because – this was it – this was what I wanted to do. There wasn’t a “Plan B.” I wasn’t going to give up Jess LC when things got tough and look for a safer job. I was in this for the long haul, I was tested and I proved to myself how deeply I cared about my business succeeding. And then I was able to relax, knowing that my truest intention was to make Jess LC work.” There I am, but not in the “relax” part. When I become a full-time coach, I know I’m not ever putting on my corporate shackles – not to that job or any job that keeps me behind a desk & takes away 11 hours of my 16-17 waking hours each & every day. Not that I want to not work, but if I’m doing something for 11 hours, let me be in my Flow, let me be passionate about it, let it energize me as opposed to me drinking coffee cup after coffee cup & waiting for 5:56p to hit the clock on the lower right hand corner of my screen so I can shut down & run the hell out of there by 6p. I can never do it again. I’m 32 and while I know it’s not “old”, life is too short & I’m too committed to really living it.

And that’s where the fear & the trust & the excitement & the desperation comes in. I don’t remember wanting this life – the one that I can see, but is still out of reach – as badly as I’ve wanted anything before, although I know it’s not true. And I know that if this doesn’t work out in the way I see it, I’ve learned enough to know that it’s because I’m meant to follow the new trail. It also helps having so many components of coaching – the email sessions, the group coaching, the blog, the private sessions, workshops, e-books, teleseminars – so that if something doesn’t “work” (say, enough – or any! – people don’t sign up for my group coaching session), I can just focus my attention elsewhere, on something else that I probably want to do just as much as I want to do that one thing. It’s not a bad place to be.

And meanwhile, I feel the trust more than I ever remembering because, well, I know I’m good at this. People Out There (clients, peers, mentors, family, friends, strangers!) are connecting with me, and the person I’m putting Out There is, well, me. I’m intentionally putting me out there, which I feel I’ve never done before, and people are saying, Yes. And that approval & those ears & comments, while I know they “shouldn’t” (I hate that word!) mean anything to me, does. It does so much, because it allows me to be me & know that not only is it OK, but welcome. And that makes me feel like as long as I continue being me, I’m going to be able to have that career that I see for myself: one that allows me to connect with other like-minded creative people & make a difference in their life for the better, & build the relationships that are such an important part of who I am & what I value in life.

And here I sit, crying again, wondering what Pandora will play next. It’s “If Ever I Would Leave You”:
If ever I would leave you,
It wouldn’t be in summer,
In summer I never would go!….
Oh no! Not in springtime, summer, winter or fall
No, never could I leave you at all.

Are these songs sending me some messages here, or is it just me? These lyrics are telling me what I already feel: that I can do this with the support of others, that today is as fun & grand & swell as I think it is, & that I’ll never walk away from my passion because, frankly, I never could. Those really are my truths.

*

I couldn’t end this post without thinking of my own Mama (who always sees to it!), whose birthday is today. Mom, there is almost nothing I like more than our dates together, & being able to spend the day with you yesterday was super special. I don’t tell you enough how much I love & cherish you, & how much I heartfeltly feel thankful that I got you in the Mom lottery. As Pandora is now playing, “You’re the Top!” (of course, it’s Patti’s version!).

Tags: Michelle's Memoirs

This entry was posted on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 4:54 am and is filed under Happy Hooplah. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.