Yeah, we’re back at song titles, but it can’t be helped. There was no way I could talk about saying “no” without “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse running through my brain.*

Not saying “no” was a huge hurdle I had to jump a year or so ago, when I started training to be a life coach. I knew that I needed to carve out more time for myself in order to take my classes and study, as well as juggle my job and my social life. Before then, it was easy for me to be in denial about committing to people/projects I didn’t want to do. Sometimes, I would go through with a lunch with an “old friend” (aka I’ve- known-you-since-high-school-and-you’re-going-to-complain-about-your-career/ life/relationship-for-two-hours-but-I’ll-go-out-for-lunch-with-you-since-I- don’t-want-to-”hurt”-your-feelings) but sometimes I’d end up canceling “last minute” (aka I-knew-I-was-canceling-all-along-but-it-felt-better-to-make-it-seem- last-minute-even-though-I’d-have-to-keep-a-lot-of-lies-straight-in- my-head).

I hated the white lies, and I hated taking up my time with doing something that I didn’t feel was fulfilling. But I kept at it, for years and years. I don’t remember NOT doing it.

Putting myself first was the first thing I spoke about with my life coach Joanne. From my blog at the time:

“I know that I have to “put myself first”, but that always seemed so selfish to me. Putting myself first made me feel scared that I was going to morph into this egomaniacal monster that people – gasp! - might not like. When Joanne told me that by placing my needs first, I was being selfless and putting myself into a better position to help others, I was skeptical. It wasn’t until she asked me, ‘If a car runs out of gas, is it going anywhere at all?’ that I just got it…”

Another great analogy that Joanne gave me was to think about what the flight attendants tell you before you take off – if you’re in an emergency situation, put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on the child next to you. Because what good are you to the child beside you if you’re dead in the aisle? No good! So if I don’t take care of myself, my stress and tension just snowballs and effects everyone around me. So, my car ran out of gas, and not only wasn’t I going anywhere, but I was making everyone else push me!

Coming to that realization was tough, but what came next was harder: figuring out how to say “no.” I had to sculpt it and craft it and rehearse it, and make it so that I was comfortable saying it and felt like it wouldn’t be challenged. What we came up with was:

She: “So, can you do lunch tomorrow?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, I can’t make it.”

STOP! DON’T OFFER AN EXCUSE UNLESS YOU’RE ASKED!

If – horror of horrors – she asks, “Why not?” I provide the most perfect answer ever given:

“I have some personal things to attend to.”

Genius! If anyone pushes you further than she’s an idiot and you shouldn’t feel bad.

Do you have a way to say “no”? If so, post them in the comments section! If not, have Oprah help you out (it’s the least she could do).

*If it’s now running through your brain, please accept my apologies. Try “Birdhouse in Your Soul” by They Might Be Giants instead.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm and is filed under Happy Hooplah. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.